One hundred thousand years or so ago, a typical mom would be "stirring the soup with one hand and rocking the baby with the other, kicking off the woolly mastodon with one foot and rocking a cradle with the other, watching out for the return of the hunters and determining with the other on which cave wall she would paint a magical bison..." (Jean Houston). That was in the days before ballet lessons, birthday parties, soccer practice—and the demands of jobs. No matter how you slice it, parenting is a lot of work.

My German immigrant parents were hard workers. Papa was a sheet metal worker whose hands were as hard as shoe leather. His life reflected his deepest belief: "Arbeit macht das Leben süess." Work makes life sweet.

My mother managed a household of eight people, which required a strict schedule. Monday was washday. She washed the clothes in the basement and hung them on the lines in the yard. If it rained, she had to take them down and re-hang them in the basement. Tuesday was ironing day. She could iron a shirt in three minutes flat! On Wednesday she mended clothes. On Thursday she changed bed sheets and cleaned the upstairs. On Friday she cleaned the downstairs. Saturday was shopping day; she also baked bread and made soup stock for the week. On Sunday after church, she cooked a pot roast or chicken for dinner.

But something very important was missing in our home: emotional warmth and appreciation. My parents had not received affirmation and appreciation when they were young, and they didn't know how to give it. Words of criticism slipped out of their mouths more easily than words of gratitude. 

I remember visiting my mother, eager to show her the new beautiful maternity dress I had made. Opening the door, she gave me a quick glance saying, "You have a spot on your dress." Her careless criticism hurt me deeply. With her critical mindset, she missed seeing the beauty of the garment and couldn't sense my feeling of triumph. Positive words would have added sweetness to the moment, but in this case another opportunity for mother-daughter closeness and shared joy was lost.

When people suffer "appreciation deprivation," their self-esteem sags. They may feel resentful, or they may complain about how hard they work and how ungrateful everyone is. Everyone suffers as a result of these negative feelings. 

Conversely, encouragement and appreciation can improve the emotional climate in your home. In fact, what you appreciate, appreciates!  While criticism and hurtful words increase negative feelings, gratitude and kindness increase positive feelings, reduce tension, and sweeten relationships. Here are ten words and phrases you might use:

Here are 10 words and phrases you might use:

 1. "Thanks for setting the table."

 2. "I'm glad you remembered to brush your teeth."

 3. "I like how you share toys with your friend."

 4. "I appreciate what you do."

 5. "I'm glad you're my son/daughter/partner."

 6. "You're fun to play with."

 7. "That was a good try."

 8. "You are so thoughtful!"

 9. "I like the way you listen."

 10. "You're terrific!"

Instead of giving ourselves critical and unkind messages—"stinkin' thinkin’,” as I like to call it—we can use positive messages in our self-talk. Tell yourself what you would like to hear. "Good for me!" "The dinner was delicious!" "I'm a good mom/dad." You might even give yourself a pat on the back. It's also okay to ask for what you want: "I worked very hard today and would like a hug or a thank you." Don't miss opportunities to give kind, positive messages to others. All relationships are happier when couples frequently express appreciation and gratitude for their contributions. Your kids will notice those positive messages and do the same, learning pro-social skills in the process.

When we are gracious, we focus on what's right rather than what's wrong. We look at what we do have rather than what we don't have. When you count your blessings and sprinkle your days with appreciation, you will notice joy increasing in your family. Little changes can make a big difference.

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©  2010  Dr. Louise Hart is a Community Psychologist, professional speaker, GrandMother, and author of:

•  The Winning Family, a guide to positive parenting praised by Mothering Magazine—"Uniquely inspiring, accessible, and non-guilt provoking!"

 •  On the Wings of Self-Esteem, praised by Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul)—"It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear.”

She is also publisher of two international bestselling children’s books written by Dr. Pat Palmer:

*  Liking Myself helps children (5-10) handle themselves when they feel upset or over-whelmed, and let go of negativity.

•  The Mouse, the Monster and Me helps children (8 and up) identify their inner “mouse” and inner “monster” and develop their inner assertive “me”. Aggressive kids learn how to get their needs met without being mean; passive kids find their voices and learn to ask for what they want.    

Books and more information available at www.drlouisehart.com and www.upliftpress.com